


on feeling again

by goldenretrievers46



Series: breakfast club sessions [2]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, First Kiss, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Holding Hands, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Intimacy, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, M/M, Making Out, Mutual Pining, Pre-Canon, catholic alex, in which two best friends seek intimacy in one another, oceans and sunsets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28459002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenretrievers46/pseuds/goldenretrievers46
Summary: alex forgets what it's like to feel.luke helps him remember.//or; a look into luke and alex's relationship pre-canon, and what it means to find intimacy in another person, even if it doesn't last forever.
Relationships: Alex Mercer/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms)
Series: breakfast club sessions [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084514
Comments: 20
Kudos: 52





	on feeling again

**Author's Note:**

> well folks, I am back with more self-indulgent writing (surprise surprise!). I, like many people who watched this show, latched onto the idea of Luke and Alex being exes, and around the same time I finished jatp, I was thinking a lot about loneliness, intimacy, the first relationships I had, and how powerful it is to experience those first times as a teenager even though your first lover probably won't be your "forever person". This is a follow-up piece to my fic Breakfast Club Sessions, and although you don't have to read it to read this, I'd recommend it, especially in regards to what's happening in Alex's home life. Anyways, I hope you all enjoy, and I'd be curious to hear some thoughts in the comments!  
> Happy reading :)

On Feeling Again:  
Setting: the beach in los angeles, november ‘94  
Characters: luke and alex

There’s something about human intimacy and touch that seems to solve all the world’s problems. Silence, as well. Sitting in silence with a person, soaking in their essence and contemplating quietly together. Alex had experienced all of these things before, first with his parents as a child, and then with his sister as they grew older and closer, and finally with his friends. He had always been tightly wound and anxious, and it seemed he was always chasing after the sweet relaxation of simply existing in quiet harmony with someone. As he matured from a giggly child into a confused adolescent, the kind of intimacy he sought changed. No longer was he content just to feel the calming brush of his mother’s hand against his chin, the crushing hugs of his sister, or the excited grasp of his friend on his arm. No, now he was hungry. Hungry for the swooping feeling he got in his stomach when someone intertwined their fingers with his and gently etched lines onto his knuckles. Hungry for the heady sensation of lips crashing on lips, the heat and passion of it all. Hungry for another’s touch, for fingers running through his hair, for hands cupping his face and gripping his waist. He no longer enjoyed intimacy, he desired it. He craved it.

Alex knew that this was all part of growing up. Chasing sensuality wasn’t something he shied away from, in fact he wanted to pursue it with every vein in his being. However, it became terrifying when he realized not only what he wanted, but who he wanted it with. He paid no mind to the witty, attractive girls that his friends would pine over. He’d flirted with them, and had crushes, and even gone on a few double dates when his friends asked because it was what he was supposed to do. And it was nice, he supposed, but there was no warmth in it. At first, he assumed that he just hadn’t met the right girl yet, or that his expectations were too high. It wasn’t until later that he realized that no girl would ever meet his expectations, because he experienced no attraction toward them. His expectations rested in a completely different dimension, one that was unfamiliar and scary and hated by those around him. And Alex had gone through a lot of soul searching to accept himself, but he still felt a large disconnection from intimacy because it was so damn complicated to process. If there was anything he wanted, it was to be able to feel again. 

Alex hadn’t really planned on liking Luke. In fact, it was the last thing he ever could have wanted considering the present circumstances. Four months ago, he had come out to his mom during an argument, and needless to say it hadn’t gone over well. To his parents’ credit, they weren’t forcing him into therapy, and they hadn’t kicked him out, but a rift had formed in their family. He often caught his mom with a tear running down her cheek, his dad with a stern, stoic expression on his face, and his sister looking tired of it all, just wanting everyone to get along. So these days, Alex spent as little time as possible at home. After eating dinner and finishing homework, he would often go on walks along the beachfront of their house with his headphones on, listening to cassette after cassette on his handheld player. On the weekends, he would go over to Bobby’s and they would sit on the front porch, drinking Shasta Colas and retelling inside jokes. And of course there was always band practice to be had. 

Yes, it was rather easy to escape from home, which is what Alex had done on that Wednesday night. He was sitting on a small pier near his house, staring out into space and wondering just what on earth he was going to do about this Luke situation. He didn’t really know exactly when it started, but at some point in their eleven year friendship, Alex had looked up from his drum set to see Luke staring back at him from the front of the stage, eyes alive with fire and energy, and realized he would never need anything else to make him feel alive. Then he’d noticed it in other things, like when Luke’s fingers would grip his shoulder, hot and burning, searing into his skin, when Luke would make a joke and his stomach would flutter and his heart would leap, when Luke would hug him and Alex couldn’t help but melt into his body, everything tangible and warm. The truth of it was, he wanted more. He wished that those hugs lingered longer, so that he could slowly trail his fingers through Luke’s hair and feel their breathing become symmetrical. His gaze always found its way to Luke’s lips, which he badly wanted to connect with his own. But more than anything else, he wished for Luke’s undivided time and attention. Alex wanted to sit and experience silence with him, he wanted to share all of his deepest thoughts with him, he wanted to be the most important person in his life. It was exhilarating, intoxicating, overwhelming, and terrifying all at the same time. And Alex? He wasn’t always the best at dealing with complex emotions. So no, he hadn’t planned on liking Luke, but he was here now, and he was beginning to wonder how long he could keep that secret, too. 

//

Luke wasn’t a person who liked to introspect. He felt it was a waste of time to spend his life in his head, mulling over a million thoughts when he could just process them efficiently and move on to the next thing. Maybe it was strange for a songwriter, but Luke found no comfort in contemplating the meaning of things. He simply liked to feel, experience, and do, then move on to the next thing. He supposed he was a good songwriter because he liked to chronicle the journey. He wanted the audience to feel as excited about and connected with life as he did. Sometimes, though, Luke would sit and mull over certain things, the things that he couldn’t ignore but didn’t quite know how to address. And as of late, that thing had been Alex. Ever since Alex had confirmed what Luke had long suspected a few months ago, his feeling that Alex’s gazes lingered on him a little longer, that they were always circling one another, that Alex liked him, grew. At first, Luke had been slightly concerned at the prospect of having to let his friend down easy and of things becoming awkward. But as time progressed, Luke couldn’t help but feel drawn to Alex as well. There was something about the way his fingers gripped the drumsticks and the way his hair swooped in front of his eyes and the way their easy, organic banter made him feel light that he couldn’t ignore. Luke didn’t know what this sudden attraction meant for him. He wasn’t gay; he liked girls well enough. But there was something about the closeness he felt with Alex that threaded deeper than a simple friendship. Sometimes he thought about kissing his friend, on the lips, on the jaw, on the shoulder, sometimes he thought about them holding one another, heartbeats alive and skin on skin. Those weren’t friendly thoughts. As with everything, Luke decided not to read into it too much. So, he liked Alex. Maybe he should do something about it. 

//

~A Week Later~  
Alex was beginning to feel like he was going crazy. Despite all of his positive thoughts that things were going better with his parents, he had had another argument with his dad about how he really wasn’t doing anything wrong by being gay. His dad had begged to differ, of course, saying that he would never be successful as a homosexual, and that he was choosing his attraction to men. His mom had started crying again, and his dad had stormed out to their garage to tinker with his parts, and he’d tried to talk to his sister about how frustrating it all was, but she had shut him down, saying that it all stressed her out too much and that she didn’t want to get caught up in the conflict. Alex couldn’t really blame her, she was only 14 and just trying to maintain her relationship with both sides. But now he was sitting in his room, fiddling with a couple random Lego pieces that were still sat on his desk, wondering if he would ever be able to say “I love you” to his parents and mean it in the same way. He missed the grounding hugs of his mom, the rough pats on the back by his dad. He missed being able to talk to them about anything and everything. Most of all, Alex missed the laugh of his sister, the way she would playfully ruffle his hair and chatter on to him about her friends and their love lives. It was all so unfair, but they couldn’t accept what they didn’t want to understand. So there he was, sitting in his house with two stories and four bedrooms and three bathrooms which was home to three other people mere feet away from him, and yet he was utterly alone. Isolation was beginning to feel normal. And Alex may not have wanted to admit it before, but it was becoming hard to ignore. He was lonely. Intimacy had left him. 

//

Luke had it all planned out in his head. He was going to call Alex up tonight, and they were going to go for a walk along the beach and find a nice, secluded spot, and then Luke would reach out and brush his fingers on Alex’s arm and maybe find enough courage to tell him just how much he cared about him. There were secrets buried deep inside his heart, waiting for someone to unclasp the lock and send them swirling into the atmosphere in their magnificent patterns. And Luke wanted Alex to be that someone. It all seemed so clear now, he had his goal in mind, his conquest. So with dinner having been eaten, Luke walked over to the landline and picked up the receiver. He knew Alex’s number by heart. It dialed. He waited. 

“Hello, this is the Mercer house, who is this?” said a deep, gruff voice. 

“Hey Mr. Mercer, it’s Luke. Can you put Alex on?” 

“Sure,” he replied, and Luke could hear the echoey sound of him calling for his son. 

There were a few moments of silence, and then finally, Alex was there. 

“Hey Luke, what’s up?” he asked, clearly out of breath. 

“Alex, hi,” Luke said, fiddling with the phone cord. “Are you busy tonight?”

“I don’t think so,” Alex said slowly. 

“Can I come over? To hang out or whatever?”

“Uh, yeah, sure, that should work, do you just wanna go sit on the beach, or…?”

“Yeah. Yeah. That sounds fine. Okay. I’ll be over there in 20 minutes or so.” 

The phone clicked, and the absent drone rang in his ear. Perfect. 

//

The next 20 minutes felt like the longest 20 minutes of Alex’s life. Luke wasn’t one to call to hang out on a Wednesday evening without the other guys with no plan in mind. And while Alex doubted that Luke had any mind towards feelings of a romantic nature as he did, it was still rather touching that Luke randomly wanted to hang out with just him. Especially considering the fact that he’d been stuck in his house busy with school and other family obligations for the last couple weeks, which meant Alex was lonely for some real human companionship. It was nice. But it was also taking forever. He walked back and forth from his room to the bathroom twice, and the second time he stuck around for a little bit to apply some lotion to his hands. He sat at his desk, fiddling with an eraser as he double checked his chemistry homework. Finally, for lack of anything better to do, he plopped down on his bed and began straightening each singular tie of his tie blanket to be perfectly flat and symmetrical. Eventually, he heard thendoorbell ring. Alex sprung off the bed, grabbed the fanny pack he had prepared ten minutes into waiting, and shuffled downstairs into the entryway. His mother had already answered the door, so Luke was standing just inside, his beanie crooked on his head and a smile on his face. 

“Hey Alex. What’s up, man?” Luke greeted. 

“Oh, nothing much. Just finished that chemistry homework,” he replied. 

“Ugh,” Luke said. “Stoichiometry. Man, that’s too much math.” 

“It wasn’t too bad.”

“Yeah, whatever, you absolute nerd,” Luke shot back, teasing. 

“At least one of us has life skills,” he returned, a smile playing on his lips as he shifted his eyes from the floor to the walls to Luke’s eyes and back to the floor again. 

“Well, it’s a good thing you’re stuck with me then. I can just ask you.”

“Wow, Luke, just using me,” he gasped in mock offense. “Is that all I am to you? A human calculator?” 

“Of course, it’s not like we’ve been best friends since middle school,” Luke quipped, rolling his eyes. 

“Of course not,” Alex nodded. “So, what should we do? Go for a walk?” 

“Yeah, that sounds good. I haven’t been over here in a little while.” 

“Yeah. Alright. Well, let’s go then,” Alex said.

As soon as they exited the house, their eyes met, a question, a challenge.

“Race you to the end of the driveway,” Luke said, irises twinkling.

And they were off. It was a slightly unfair challenge, as Luke had always been the more athletic one, but Alex kept up with him, even if he did lose in the end. Oh well. It was still fun anyway. 

“One of these days, you’ll have to let me win,” Alex said as they caught their breaths, walking down the sidewalk toward the beach. 

Luke snorted. “In your dreams.” 

Their stroll continued, and with each step they took, the darkness over the ocean increased. The horizon line was becoming bluer and bluer, until you almost didn’t know where the sky ended and the water began. A gibbous moon was faintly visible, growing whiter with each passing moment. And when Alex stopped to look behind them, he saw pure orange illuminating the city. There was something special about autumn sunsets, and the way they made Alex feel like the world was centered on him, on the boy beside him, on their mundane lives and average accomplishments. He wondered at the lines traced in the sky by the clouds and smoke of the city, their curves and undulations. Sunset Curve. That was their band name. He hadn’t been too keen on it when Luke had suggested it, but now he knew why Luke loved it so much. The sunset and its curves were the most beautiful thing in the world, along with the hopeful feeling in his chest and the brightness of Luke, all-consuming, the fresh fall air, the smell of the salt and the sea, the breeze on his face. It was like floating. 

“Alex, how’s, uh, how’s the sister doing?” Luke asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Oh, I don’t know. Katie’s alright. She’s pretty busy with her own life, you know, the swim team. She spends a lot of time with her friends Clare and Ingrid. They come over quite a bit.” 

“Is she doing well at her meets?”

“Yeah, I think so. I went to one a couple weeks ago. I guess she’s been doing a lot of distance swimming, 500 freestyle and things like that. I don’t know. Sports aren’t really my forte.” 

Luke got a strange smile on his face just then. “Yeah, I know. Don’t quite fit into the family, do you?” 

Alex shook his head, flattening his lips in annoyance. “No, definitely not. Always the black sheep, this one.” 

They fell into silence for a moment, and all that could be heard was their shoes hitting the concrete, the shuffling sound of friction and the distant noises of the traffic. 

“I‘ve been having an interesting week,” Luke began, starting the conversation again. 

“Oh yeah, how so?” 

“Well, this weekend, my mom pulled out all these boxes with old photo albums, and we started looking back at some of my baby pictures. It was actually really fun. That’s the most positive interaction I’ve had with her in months, and I’m really starting to think that, well, maybe we’re starting to get through all the arguments about the band. It’s just been so complicated,” Luke said.

They were walking on the beach now, their shoes leaving footprints in the sand as they meandered along. The pier stretched out in the distance, waves lapping against it excitedly. Hope was indeed in the atmosphere. 

Alex was genuinely happy for Luke. He had never wanted to disappoint his mom, in fact, he feared it. If it were Alex, he might have stopped fighting a long time ago. But Luke was Luke, throwing caution to the wind, and Alex was Alex, tightly wound. Luke wouldn’t compromise what he felt was correct even if it meant losing good faith with his parents. So to hear that it was going better? It was wonderful news. 

“That’s good, I’m really happy for you, man,” Alex replied. 

“Me too,” Luke replied, his features soft, his smile light, his eyes thoughtful. 

It seemed that they had run out of things to say, to a certain extent. They’d each had their reasons for wanting to spend time together, but Alex wondered if Luke had just been feeling lonely, as he had been. He didn’t mind the silence, in fact he relished it. When you can be silent in the presence of another and simply enjoy their company, you know you’ve formed a true connection. And so Alex was feeling it now, as they walked in step. The small grove of coastal trees was just ahead, and it had always been one of his favorite places to go with friends. It was quiet, private, and beautiful. Not many people remained on the beach, as it was getting steadily darker, but Alex considered this a good thing. People were stressful, and he wanted to sit with his friend under the spread of a tree and be able to hear the thoughts in his brain, accentuated by the gentle roll of the waves. Step after step, his feet followed one another. Luke’s necklaces clinked together with each stride, the rhythm slightly out of sync with the waves. Finally, they reached the trees. 

“Well, here’s the spot,” Alex said, motioning to the grove. 

“Man, I love coming here. It’s so pretty,” Luke replied, plopping down on the ground and laying back to stare up at the leaves in their ever present dance. 

Alex glanced at his friend with a feeling of contentment in his soul. He joined Luke, gazing up at the blue grey sky, tinted with the yellow of the city lights. 

“Yeah, I needed this,” Alex replied. 

“What, quality time with me?” Luke chuckled, waggling his eyebrows. 

Alex rolled his eyes fondly. “You’re such a little shit,” he replied. “But yeah, I guess. Time out of my house, time with someone who actually knows me, appreciates me, that sort of thing. So, yeah, you fit the bill.” 

He could hear Luke’s small laugh beside him. 

“Well, I’m glad to be of service.” 

His tone was almost coquettish, in a way. Luke was teasing him again. Alex exhaled sharply. He didn’t know what to do with his arms, as the ground was hard on his head, but laying on his hands made them fall asleep. As he shifted around, he could almost hear Luke thinking next to him. Luke always thought loudly, Alex had noticed. But then again, Luke did everything loudly. 

“Alex…” Luke began, and then paused. “Do you ever doubt yourself?” 

“You’re asking me that question? I live my entire life feeling anxious about things, of course I do,” Alex replied. 

“Yeah, I know you do. But I mean really. Like, not just overthinking your decisions, but who you are to the core.” 

“I don’t know. I guess who I am isn’t really something I can doubt, because I’m not even sure of it myself. Why do you ask?” 

Luke sighed, and sat up partially, leaning on an elbow so that he could look over at Alex with his lost, expressive eyes. 

“Sometimes, I wonder if my mom is right. If we really do have the ability to succeed with the band. If the odds are in our favor, you know? And I just feel like… I feel like I shouldn’t have those thoughts. I mean, we work so hard, and I believe in us, and our mission, and our talent. So why do I doubt myself? I know I can do it,” Luke explained.

Alex gazed up into his boy’s fearful, childlike expression. Luke was his rock. Luke always grounded him, always listened to him, even if he gave him shit about how much he overanalyzed. It was strange, seeing Luke so vulnerable. Seeing him share his fears as well as just his dreams. Luke was passionate, but he was also an artist, living with the torture of it all, however small it may be. Alex felt very far away just then, as if he were miles from Luke, even though they were only several inches apart. He badly wanted to reach out and find Luke’s hand, and cling to it in reassurance, so that they could be close and connected, but he didn’t have the gall. Instead, he spoke. 

“If it means anything, Luke… I believe in you. And the band. You know, I’m not sure of a lot,” he rambled. “But I know we can succeed. Just because you’re the leader doesn’t mean you have to do anything alone. We’re in this with you- me, Reg, Bobby… and I think it’s normal to doubt yourself, dude. You can’t be sure of everything all the time. I don’t think that’s how life works.”

Alex felt like he was giving a speech for school, all shaky and unsure. They didn’t often talk like this, candidly, about their fears. He supposed they’d gotten better at telling each other about their external problems, what with that first breakfast club session months ago. But Alex had never heard Luke be so open before about having insecurities. It was weird in a way, to see someone so confident be so uncertain. Yet, Alex was glad of it. He was privy to Luke’s heart now, and it was his. When he glanced up at Luke’s face again, it was like everything had been set right in the world. He had validated his friend, for pure gratitude seemed to shine from Luke, and dare he say love as well. 

“Thanks Alex,” Luke said softly. “It means a lot, really.”

Alex smiled now. “Yeah. I know.” 

The mood had changed. It seemed that the universe wanted to draw them together, like two ornaments on a string, perfectly planned to exist in tandem. Alex was exercising all the self control he could muster not to reach out and match his hand with Luke’s neck, his shoulder, his cheek. The moment was far too quiet and intimate for him to do so, for his feelings would be obvious if he did. Luke laid back down now, his body more relaxed, his breathing easier. Alex could feel it all through the earth beneath him. 

“How have you been recently? Really?” Luke wondered now. 

How was he? That was a difficult question to tackle. If he were honest, he wanted to scream most of the time. It was their junior year, they were upperclassmen now. He was supposed to be enjoying the abandon of being sixteen going on seventeen, knowing that he was naïve, and not caring anyway. He was supposed to be living on the high of new experiences, of first times. He was supposed to take the world in his hands and wonder at it, laughing about what comes next. He was supposed to be free. Instead, he felt trapped. The world was splayed out before him, yet every time he tried to reach for it, he felt his arm get caught in the bars of a metaphorical jail cell. He didn’t know who had made the cage, if it had been his parents, society, or him himself. In some ways, the cage was his house, that depressing place where his parents condescended in their sad little way, where his sister had become reserved and quiet, where he knew it was all because of him. Alex didn’t fit into his family anymore. He knew that they would be better off living in their bubble, and he would be better off living in his. They were too different to love each other anymore. In other ways, the cage was his mind. He spent far too much time in his head, thinking and pondering and overthinking again. Reality and fantasy began to blur with time, and sometimes Alex wondered if he would ever be able to make a decision without second guessing, third guessing, fourth guessing. But now, he lay under the trees with his friend (his muse), and Luke was asking him how he was doing, and it was all too complicated to explain, because Luke made Alex want to chase freedom again. 

“I’ve been myself,” Alex chose to say. 

Luke laughed. “I’d be concerned if you weren’t.” 

“Life is complicated.”

“I don’t think it’s supposed to be easy,” Luke commented. “But there’s always music.” 

“Music,” Alex agreed.

It was silent for a beat. 

“Sometimes I look at my parents and I see strangers,” Alex admitted. 

Luke turned to lay on his side again, gazing over Alex’s vulnerable body, almost seeing through into Alex’s chest, his heart, his secret thoughts. Alex stared back. 

“Sometimes I look at myself and see a stranger,” he said. 

Luke’s gaze softened. “I think the hardest person to know is yourself.” 

“I just want to feel alive again. I want to be able to go home and have it be a joyful occasion, and not feel judged by the way my family talks to me. But yet… I never want to go home again. I want the band to take off, so I won't be obligated to know them anymore,” he paused briefly. “I see my mom crying sometimes. She carries her little rosary around the house, praying for me. My dad goes all uncomfortable and silent around me. It’s just weird, man.” 

“Do you think they’ll ever accept you?”

“No.” 

It was the truth, wasn’t it? They’d had months to mull it over. Sometimes they treated Alex like he’d never come out to them, and just ignored the whole situation, but there were always the little comments, the hushed conversations behind closed bedroom doors, the way Alex saw things he knew he wasn’t meant to- his mother’s tears and his sister’s silence. 

“You know, Alex… I was talking with Bobby the other day. Next year might be Sunset Curve’s big break, based on the gigs we just booked for this winter. And then, the past will be dead. The future will be there, and it’ll be bright, and we’ll all be soaring. Just imagine the crowds.” 

Alex could see it in his mind, the hope of the future. The future where he would be accepted by those around him- his friends, their fans. It was that sweet escapism again, where he could be the drummer from Sunset Curve, not just Alex. 

“The future is bright,” Alex agreed. “It will be nice to have some forward motion again, you know? To feel like life’s going somewhere.”

Luke got a wistful expression just then. 

“Life’s always going somewhere, Alex. You just have to look for it.” 

“That sounds like some twinkly Santa Claus shit,” Alex replied, laughing a little. 

“Yeah, I know,” Luke said, cracking up. “But you know what I mean.” 

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, turning on his side so he was facing Luke. 

The moment was quiet, the air fresh and heavy around them, the sounds of the city distant, and Alex found himself staring into Luke’s eyes, and everything seemed to slot into place. A fire burned within him, it stretched from the lump in his throat to the tightness in his chest to the fluttering in his torso. A fire burned within him, and he desperately wanted to reach out and leave a charred mark on Luke’s clavicle, his fingers searing with passion. A fire burned within him, and he could feel an incendiary connection between them now, two boys chasing heat. The waves lapped in time against the sand, a steady, grounded constant, contradicting the erratic feeling in Alex’s body, his mind, his heart. Luke seemed to shine, his eyes swirling with emotion and his smile peaceful, content. 

“It’s a beautiful evening,” he remarked, low, soft, whispered. 

Alex noticed that Luke’s hand lay on the ground between them, his grip relaxed and soft. He wanted to reach out and take it, but… no. Instead he placed his own hand in the gap, mirroring Luke’s. 

“Yes it is,” Alex agreed. 

Luke’s hand inched slightly closer to his, probably just a mere adjustment. 

“If we were out of the city, we could stargaze,” Luke said. 

Alex shifted again now, so that their hands were but a few centimeters away from each other. 

“Maybe we should go sometime, borrow Reggie’s rustbucket,” he replied. 

Luke smirked at this, and his hand shifted to where his thumb was now making contact with the heel of Alex’s palm. 

“If it doesn’t break down halfway there,” he said in his teasing tone. 

Alex allowed his fingers to brush over the top of Luke’s hand.

“Eh, we can bring tools with us,” he replied quietly. 

He didn’t know what was happening with their hands, or what it really meant, which was stupid because they were touchy with each other all the time. But tonight, on what felt kind of like a date, in an intimate setting, where they were alone and baring their souls- it felt different. It felt real. But Alex didn’t have too much time to think about this, because suddenly Luke’s fingers were snaking around his, firm and confident and decided, and they were intertwined, and Luke’s thumb was brushing along Alex’s wrist. 

“It’s too bad we’re both shit at fixing things,” Luke said, his voice cool and teasing. 

Alex knew he had to stay calm and collected. He would not be making a fool of himself, thank you very much. He decided to not address the fact that they were now holding hands in a very affectionate manner, even though he was confused and wanted to know where Luke’s head was at. No, talking about those kinds of feelings made him feel all jittery inside, and he would rather enjoy the moment for what it was. So instead, he squeezed Luke’s hand instead as a way of affirming that he was on board with whatever this was. 

“We can work around it,” Alex decided to say. 

“Honestly, a trip like that would be so fun. You and me, go up into the hills for a while, see the sights. Oh, and we could take a tent and go camping! I’ve always wanted to do something like that,” Luke said with excitement. 

“Yeah, me too. Remember when we were kids, and they’d tell us about the Gold Rush in school, so you, Reggie, and I would always pretend that we were gold miners discovering treasure? I feel like camping would be a similar adventure.” 

“Oh my god, I forgot about that. We used to have so much fun playing that game!”

Luke paused for a second. “Man, being a kid was so sick. School was easy, everyone was friends, my mom would always make me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches when I got home… such good times.” 

Alex laughed. “Your mom’s PB and J always hit the spot. But, it would be fun, going on a little road trip. Pretending we’re kids again.” 

“We should plan it then. Next March, over spring break. You, me, the rustbucket, a tent, a cooler, and my guitar.”

It was all a pretty fantasy, an escape like that. Alex wondered if the appeal of it all lay mostly in how Luke’s hand was constant in his, how Luke was gently caressing the back of Alex’s hand, from the knuckle of his thumb to his wrist, and how Luke was nonchalant about it all, like it was natural and correct and didn’t need to be explained. If things were progressing how Alex thought they were, they might be spending their days on that trip laughing together, sharing jokes and conversation meant only for them, and they might be spending their nights tangled together in their sleeping bags, heart thrumming against heart. Was it all too much to hope for? Maybe, but it was nice to dwell on in the moment. Alex decided to probe a little more as to Luke’s thoughts. 

“Poor Reg and Bobby, they’ll be so left out,” he commented. 

“Yeah, that’s okay though, it means less people in the tent,” Luke chuckled, but it sounded a little nervous. 

“... right,” Alex agreed slowly. 

It was clear what they were communicating, even if it was veiled. Luke’s eyes said it all, the way they skittered around Alex’s face, knowing and embarrassed and full of keen brightness. He didn’t have any desire to invite their other friends on this hypothetical trip, because he wanted Alex as himself, as one person, one heart, one soul- as his companion, in some way. They were one another’s choice. 

Alex had always been skeptical of romance growing up. He supposed it made sense, what with him not fitting its accepted definition. Regardless, they’d read plenty of books in school- Austen, Dickens, Brontë, Shakespeare- where people would be walking through their lives, and suddenly be drawn together by some unknown string of fate, and fall in love with a picture perfect landscape in the background. He’d seen it in the cheesy Christmas rom coms, the afternoon soap operas, and the evening dramas. But all that romance was just what it was: romanticized. It was all literary tropes, masterful plotting of the author to have everything go just right. But life wasn’t like that, life was messy. Life was hard and uninteresting yet full of unpredictable twists and turns. Nothing happened so that a perfect rising action, climax, and resolution could be reached like it did in a story. So, Alex didn’t believe in enchantment and fate. However, tonight, it seemed different. Alex could understand how one could burn, pine, and perish. He understood, suddenly, why people were so enthralled by idyllic scenes of stars and beaches and hills and mountains, why people would ruin themselves for another, why all those literary tropes existed in the first place. Here he was, gazing into Luke’s eyes, their hands still locked together, under a mild, ambiently lit sky, with the ocean keeping time. And his heart felt as though it was going to burst out of his body in anticipation and excitement and hope. This deserved to be romanticized. 

“I wonder what time it is,” Luke said now, looking at the night sky.

“I’m not sure,” Alex replied. “Does your mom want you home early?”

Luke smiled ruefully. “Probably. It doesn’t really matter though.”

Alex scoffed at this a little, rolling his eyes at his friend. “You’re going to regret saying that later.” 

Luke shrugged. “It’s not like I’m going out again. I’m just at your place. My parents trust you well enough, I think.” 

“I suppose,” Alex said. “It is nice to have a little peace and quiet once and awhile, huh?” 

Luke’s eyes glowed golden. “Yeah,” he replied simply, lightly squeezing Alex’s hand. 

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, his voice shaky.

Then, Luke unexpectedly shifted his body closer to his, their chests only separate by a few inches, their faces parallel to one another. The surrounding air felt weighted. It seemed as though the molecules in the area were ripe with anticipation, waiting for someone to fracture the silence, or reconnect the broken ends with a touch. Luke’s breathing was constant in Alex’s ear, a heavy, quick, energetic thing, nervousness coursing through it. He was pretty sure that something was happening now, as he watched Luke’s eyes scour his face, like he was desperately searching for something he’d lost. There were a million questions Alex wanted to ask- whats and whys, but words were lost on him. It didn’t feel like a time to speak out loud, but a time to speak silently. Luke was speaking now, in the way he let go of Alex’s hand and shifted his own to Alex’s arm, sliding it up his tricep and onto his shoulder, tracing along the crook of his neck and settling there. Alex replied, reaching out with his now free hand to Luke’s ribcage, feeling the ridges and the rise and fall of his lungs. 

It was an embrace, their bodies drawn close together as they lay on the ground, their arms all tangled together and their knees knocking. If there was anything Alex noticed besides the heat in his stomach, the fluttering of his heart, the light press of Luke’s fingers on his jaw, it was the air around them, how it moved and undulated in perfect designs, in his breath, in the way that Luke’s breathing felt tangible, too. Luke seemed unsure, questions marking his features, and Alex knew that his expression probably looked confused, too. But no matter. Their frames molded together like they had been carved to fit one another, and Alex relaxed into Luke’s strong, peaceful clutch, sighing in satisfaction. He couldn’t figure out how long they remained like that, the world silent around them, their breath in a steady tandem, emotions but a whisper on their tongues. It was nice to simply exist, to communicate through touch instead of words. The sky was orange grey now, night having fallen over the city. Alex tried to turn off the constant stream of thoughts in his head, so that he could simply cherish the moment, skin on skin. Then, Luke shifted. The moment wasn’t broken exactly, in fact it almost intensified as Luke removed his hand from Alex’s neck and looked him in the eyes. 

“I really should go home,” he said, his voice measured in an oddly controlled manner.

The motion of the atmosphere seemed to stop, and the air was suddenly much more humid than Alex remembered it being. His body felt cold and incomplete without Luke’s skin on his, and even though Luke said he needed to go, Alex knew it was half-hearted.

“Then why aren’t you?” Alex inquired softly.

He hadn’t intended it like a challenge, exactly, but what could Luke really say to that? “I’m not going home because we’ve just cuddled in a way that I think is pretty romantic and I don’t really want to leave yet, and do you get that pooling feeling in your gut when you touch my skin, too”? Maybe it was a bit of a challenge, a desire to acknowledge what was happening between them. Alex wasn’t stupid. Luke’s eyes seemed to flare up for a moment, and then he gave a resigned sigh. 

“I don’t know,” he mumbled lamely, in a way where Alex knew that Luke knew exactly why he wasn’t leaving.

Luke had apparently stopped trying to fight against his mother’s voice in the back of his head, because he dropped back down to the earth and returned his hand to Alex’s shoulder, breathing deep and content as he set his forehead against his. Luke’s mood had been all over the place tonight, from confident to nervous and back again. He was mostly sure there was something intentional about the way Luke traced his fingers across his skin, which would mean that Luke did, indeed, like him. Alex didn’t really know what that meant for Luke, at least in terms of his identity, but in the moment it didn’t really matter. Luke’s hand was moving again, hesitantly brushing its way up and into Alex’s hair, and Alex found himself exhaling sharply as Luke’s fingers began to card through it tenderly. He couldn’t help but lean into the contact, Luke’s forehead against his, their noses almost touching. He could feel Luke’s breath ghosting across his cheeks, warm and ethereal, and his lips were so close, all he would have to do would be move an inch and they would be connected. It was like a magnet pull. He was considering leaning in, finally closing the space and capturing what it seemed like they’d been chasing all night, what Alex had been chasing for months- intimacy, touch, sensuality- but he was interrupted. 

“...Is this romantic?” Luke asked, quiet, wondering, his expression confused. 

“I don’t know, is it?” Alex replied. It felt like a challenge again. 

“I don’t know,” Luke echoed. “I kind of feel like it is.”

Alex privately agreed. His heart was truly racing now, nervous energy coursing through his veins. Damn anxiety. 

“Do… do you want it to be?” Alex settled on the question. 

Luke looked almost pained by the inquiry. And maybe he was. So many emotions were coursing through Alex’s body that it almost hurt. 

“Alex?” Luke asked, eyes wide and inquisitive. “I… yeah, I do. And I think you do too.” 

An interesting set of feelings washed over Alex just then. There was a sort of incredulous relief that he had interpreted the events of the evening correctly, that Luke did like him, that he wanted their relationship to have a different shade. There was also a new anticipation in his gut at the way Luke had said those words, soft and assured and direct, like he had a goal in mind, and he desired, in the back of his mind, to feel Luke’s hand on his waist, carving into his hip bone, all roughness and passion. But there was also the sarcastic part of him that wanted to laugh at Luke’s admission that he merely thought Alex liked him, as if Alex didn’t wear his heart on his sleeve. All of it was overwhelming.

Alex let out a shaky chuckle. “I don’t think it’s very hard to tell that I have feelings for you.” 

Luke smirked softly. “Maybe not.”

“You’re such a little bastard,” Alex mumbled.

“You love it,” Luke returned, his tone flirtatious. 

Alex felt a smile spread across his cheeks, a laugh on his lips, choked words in his throat that he desperately wished to say. He wanted to wax poetic about all the lines and indentations on Luke’s body, the way his passion lit up a room, the way Alex just knew that everyone wanted him, because how could they not?

“God, you’re beautiful,” he said, brushing his fingers lightly along Luke’s cheekbones. 

Luke gave into the contact, his eyes fluttering shut and his breathing pattern altering, and now his hand was sliding up from Alex’s shoulder to the crook of his neck to the back of his head, and Luke was cupping his face, and it all suddenly felt more intimate than it had been at any point that evening. 

“So are you,” Luke replied, seemingly in awe. 

It was as if time stopped and the world existed just for them, a piece of the enormous puzzle that was the painting of the earth, a fraction of Alex’s heart which he knew would always belong to Luke even when they inevitably grew older, and grew apart, and met new people. He was intoxicated. 

“Do you want to kiss me?” Luke asked now. 

“Kinda yeah,” Alex replied, bashfully. 

It wasn’t that he didn’t want to kiss Luke, in fact it was all he’d wanted to do for the last few minutes as they laid like closed parentheses in the trees. It was more like he’d never kissed someone before and was a little unsure of how that would pan out for him. Luke definitely had had more experience with that kind of thing, what with being the conventionally attractive frontman of a band. Alex supposed it didn’t matter; they liked each other and it was a dumb thing to be insecure about. 

“Do… do you want to kiss me?” he returned.

“That is the natural progression of things,” Luke said, eyes sparkling. 

Alex wasn’t really sure what would happen next. He felt like their faces were suspended in limbo, so close and yet so far away. All he’d have to do was move in closer, but he felt frozen. He didn’t have much time to consider this though, because Luke was inhaling and gripping Alex’s head and pulling him in. Alex felt himself let out a gasp, which was stoppered by the feeling of Luke’s lips on his, warm and wet and hungry. And god, was it heavenly. He had no idea what he was doing, sure, but that didn’t matter, because he had his fingers in Luke’s hair now, knocking his beanie to the side, and there was a springing feeling in his chest which soared upwards and then promptly crashed downwards into his abdomen, hot and tingling. Luke’s mouth tasted like spearmint, cool and sharp, his hands were firm, and while the kiss was naive and tender, there was an undercurrent of passion in it that Alex wanted to explore more of. They broke apart, and Alex was breathing again, and Luke was staring into his eyes with dopey admiration.

“How was that?” Luke asked.

“Good,” Alex answered quickly. He wanted Luke’s lips back on his. 

Alex leaned back in, with vigor this time, and Luke responded just as eagerly. They were like the ocean below them, the waves crashing against the sand, powerful and beautiful. Alex had naively assumed that the chase might stop once they finally locked lips, but he was learning that the chase only deepened each time he dove back in. That hunger was back, and he needed to tangle himself in Luke, so that they were connected from head to toe. Alex snaked his arm over Luke’s shoulders, pulling them closer together, and their legs intertwined. Luke’s stomach was pressed against his, and all Alex could think about was skin and contact and desire. They had reached some type of rhythm in their kiss now, and Alex found himself wanting to increase the tempo instead of keeping it steady, not unlike an ameteur drummer. Luke increased the pressure, and all Alex could sense around him was heat. The feeling of it all was so exciting, and he kissed Luke back with equal intensity, their teeth knocking together, a garbled noise caught in the back of his throat. Then Luke pulled back, rather abruptly. His eyes were bright and blown out, and Alex decided he’d never seen him so gloriously wrecked in his entire life. 

“Didn’t know you could kiss like that, Mercer,” Luke said, breathless, his expression wicked. 

“Me either,” Alex laughed. “You could be better though,” he quipped, teasing.

Luke raised his eyebrows. “It’s like that, huh?” 

Alex smirked. “Well, there’s always room to improve, Patterson.” 

Luke’s left hand flew to Alex’s right shoulder, pushing him rather forcefully onto his back, and his right hand planted itself firmly on the ground beside his head. Then they were kissing again, fast and urgent, and Alex’s hands found Luke’s waist, the jut of his hipbones, the exposed skin where his shirt was riding up. Alex brushed his fingers along the skin right above the waistband of his jeans, light and tracing, and he could feel Luke’s breath hitch. Luke sighed into his mouth, soft and wanting, and Alex felt like he could melt right then and there. He could feel Luke’s tongue lightly grazing against his, teasing, and he let himself give into it. He’d never felt so connected to another person in his life, and he wouldn’t have guessed that this profound moment would be found in making out with his best friend by the ocean on a commonplace November evening, but here he was, Luke laying on top of him, and it was electric. 

Their kissing turned more languid after awhile, and Alex savored the slow, caring emotion in those kisses just as much as he chased the magnetic, sensual heat in the others. These kisses were almost painful in how vulnerable they made him feel, like he was baring his heart to Luke through the way his lips moved, through the way he breathed, through the way he fell apart inside a little when Luke’s fingers lightly brushed against his temple. Alex knew that he would always understand this part of Luke more deeply than anyone else, even if this wasn’t serious, even if it wasn’t for forever. Their souls had been knitted together in an inexplicable way, from the first time they’d met in school and played basketball together, to now, as they caressed one another’s skin and whispered breathless adorations. Eventually, Luke pulled away and rolled off of him, panting and laughing in amazement, and cool air replaced the space where Luke’s body had been. Alex sat up, breathing in the fresh air and trying to bring back some cohesive thought to his brain. 

“So,” he said. 

“So,” Luke agreed, also sitting up. 

“Is this? Are we a thing now?” Alex couldn’t help but wonder. 

Luke was contemplative for a moment, and then replied, “What do you want?” 

“Right, because I’m the decisive one,” Alex quipped. 

It was awkward now. Their conversation had stunted, and it seemed like neither of them really knew what to say, exactly. It seemed like a chore to discuss the semantics of their relationship, but Alex supposed it was important to figure out. 

“I… I don’t think we should date,” Alex said finally. “I think that our lives are too complicated for that right now. And… and there might be a lot of pressure, and we might feel like we have to do or say certain things, and, no matter what happens in the future, I don’t want to lose our friendship. I think it would get way too messy if we tried to label it and put it in a box.” 

Luke quirked his eyebrows thoughtfully. “I think we’re on the same page. I mean, with the band, who knows where we’ll be in two years, even. You’re so important to me, Alex, I don’t want to commit to anything we aren’t ready for.”

Alex nodded. “So… why did we just do all of that, then?” 

As soon as the words left Alex’s mouth, he knew it was a rhetorical question. They both knew why they’d done it, because they couldn’t not touch one another when they existed in the same vicinity, because it was like coming home to have someone’s arms around you, to feel like you’re theirs. 

“Because we wanted to,” Luke said. “Because I’ve been wanting to do that for months now.” 

“Me too,” Alex admitted. “And, uh, do you want to stop? Since we won’t be dating or anything?” 

“No,” Luke said softly. “I really, really don’t.”

“Me either,” Alex said, relieved. “God, Luke, this is the most alive I’ve felt in years. And I don’t want to stop spending time with you, in this way.”

Luke set his hand on Alex’s knee. “Then we won’t. We can just be friends who mess around sometimes.” 

Alex picked Luke’s hand up from his knee and began playing with the rings on his fingers. Luke had an amused expression on his face. 

“You having fun there?” he said. 

Alex chose to ignore that question in favor of asking his own, one that had been in the back of his mind all evening. “You know, you’ve never shown interest in guys before. Like, you aren’t gay, are you?”

“No, I don’t think so. I like girls well enough. But… I don’t know, Alex. I know I like you. I like how you’re always thinking about things. I like the way you mess with your hair every time you get nervous. I like the way you drum when we have band practice, and… and I like how you always make me laugh with your little one liners. I like that you’re kind to everyone you meet, that, that you’re strong and resilient. I like how sharp your jaw is, how fit you are. I like the way you touch me, and I liked the way we kissed just now. And maybe I have stared a little too long at shirtless guys on the beach before, and that probably does mean something, but I don’t know. I like you because you’re Alex. And you’re beautiful, and you just happen to be a guy, and I don’t know if there’s really a word to describe all of those feelings I have about you.” 

Alex thought many things of Luke, but poetic was not one of them. Yes, he wrote song lyrics and called himself an artist and played the guitar like no one’s business, but Luke being Luke, he did none of those things eloquently. He was all noise and passion, brash and lively, and that had an interesting kind of magnetism to it. It had sure attracted Alex, as well as many of the girls and a few of the guys who attended their shows. But damn if that little monologue Luke just delivered wasn’t poetry. Alex knew now that Luke adored every inch and facet of him, that maybe this whole thing was emotionally deeper than he thought. It was overwhelming, and he had no idea how to respond. 

“Luke… I,” Alex tried to say something, but he found that words were lost on him.

Alex was beginning to find that it was easier to communicate carnal emotion using his body instead of words. So instead of staring dumbly at Luke any longer, he leaned in and kissed him again. This kiss was shorter, a response instead of an action, yet it was somehow deeper, filled with even more care now that Alex understood Luke’s heart. For the first time that night, Luke allowed Alex to lead, his lips pliant and sighing against Alex’s mouth. He ran his hands through Luke’s hair, tugging at the strands and feeling rather pleased with himself when Luke’s breath hitched and the rhythm of the kiss became unsteady. Their lips hovered, they teased one another. There was affection, playfulness. Alex broke away, a laugh on his lips. 

“I didn’t really know what to say to all that. So I guess you can count that as my response,” Alex said. 

Luke just grinned at Alex, a bright thing, and said, “It was perfect.”

Alex had to agree. They fell into silence again, Alex choosing to lay down in Luke’s lap. The night was grey black, and he realized that it was probably far later than either of them knew. Soon, his parents would be wondering where they’d gone. The air had a chill to it as well, which Alex hadn’t noticed before due to the heat between them. They were meeting on borrowed time. For the present, however, it seemed best to ignore this fact. Alex wanted to milk every moment, he didn’t want to be separated yet, because going home would mean leaving the arms of a companion and a lover. It still felt funny to say that in his mind, the word lover. But he supposed that’s what they were now. It definitely sounded more poetic than friends with benefits, anyway. Luke let out a deep sigh, his hand on Alex’s forehead. 

“I think this will be a good thing for both of us,” he mused. 

“What?” Alex asked. 

“This… arrangement,” Luke chose to say. 

Alex scoffed. “You mean us being friends with benefits.” 

“Yeah,” Luke said. “You’re safe, you know? I mean, I could go make out with any girl that came to one of our shows, and it might be fun, but it wouldn’t mean anything. We’re friends, and I care about you, and I know you feel the same, and it’s nice that we won’t have to explain ourselves to one another, and that we can just… do this if we feel like it, and there’s no pressure or commitment.” 

Alex privately agreed. It was nice to have all these first times with someone he trusted. But he was still confused on one point. 

“Luke, what happens if we meet other people in the future? Or if we’re at a show, and someone hits on one of us and we aren’t opposed. Is that… well… off limits?”

Alex didn’t even have to look to know that Luke was shrugging his shoulders. 

“We aren’t tied to each other. So I don’t think it matters. Unless it matters to you,” Luke said. 

Alex shook his head. “No. You’re free to do whatever. But if you meet someone, and it’s more serious, and you do want to date them,” he almost shuddered to think this would probably happen eventually. “Tell me first? You know, so we can end this little thing.”

“Yeah, of course. That goes without saying, man.”

“Okay,” Alex agreed. 

It fell silent for a bit, and Alex let himself dissolve into the crooks of Luke’s legs, almost sleepy with the headiness of it all. Luke played with his hair tenderly, and despite their previous conversation, Alex didn’t think there would be much flirtation happening with other people from either of them. Why would they, when they had it all in front of them? He could picture it now, a couple weeks from now at another weekend gig, in the back of Bobby’s van, their lips connected, the fire of Luke’s skin against his own. He could see them in the studio, cuddling on the couch and talking about their days, their hopes and their dreams. He wondered what it would be like to have Luke sleep in his bed, what it would be like to let Luke press him against a wall and kiss him senseless, what it would be like to tell Luke that he filled the lonely gap in his heart where the love of his parents had once been. He had wanted intimacy, and he’d finally found it. 

“It’s late,” Luke said now. 

Alex knew this meant that the night had finally ended. 

“It is,” Alex agreed. “We have school tomorrow.” 

“Yeah,” Luke replied. “Plus my mom is probably wondering where I am by now, so I should probably get home.” 

“No, for sure,” Alex said. “You don’t want to fuck that up.”

“Even if she’s mad, it’ll have been worth it. You’re a fox, Mercer,” Luke said flirtatiously. “I’ll be looking forward to our next meeting.” 

Alex rolled his eyes as he sat up. Luke was hopping to his feet, all spring in his step, the contemplative mood gone. 

“I’ll be sure to bring my A game,” Alex replied. “Speaking of which, I know you’re going to ask me to do your stoich homework this week, but just because you’ve had your tongue in my mouth doesn’t mean I’ve changed my mind.”

Luke put on a faux pout. “Aw, but Alex,” 

“Nope. I’ll help you with it though. Really man, it’s just unit conversions to start,” 

“Blah blah blah,” Luke mocked. “Math is disgusting.” 

“Yeah, it is,” Alex agreed. “Anyway,” he stepped closer to Luke. “I suppose this is goodbye for the night.”

“Yeah,” Luke agreed, his voice dropping. “You know I’ll always love you, man.” 

Alex smiled, slightly rueful. “I know,” he replied. It felt weightier to say those words now. “I love you too. Always have.”

And Alex let Luke pull him into another tight hug, his head falling onto his shoulder. It was familiar, the curve in Luke’s neck, and he was reluctant to pull away. Their eyes met, and Luke leaned in to press a chaste kiss to his lips. 

“See you tomorrow,” he said.

“Yep. Don’t die walking home!” Alex called as Luke began to walk away. 

“Not planning on it!” Luke shouted back. 

Alex chuckled to himself. The walk back to his house was lonely, but for the first time in months, he found he didn’t mind it too much. 

//

Luke found that the walk home was hardly difficult. He was flying on a high. He may have had an angle to the evening, and he may have intended to explore the new feelings he had been certain were developing between them, but he hadn’t expected Alex to be so… how could he even begin to describe him? How could he begin to explain the swooping he’d gotten in his chest when Alex had kissed him, open and unafraid and wild and beautiful? It was all too good to be true. 

Luke wondered if perhaps they were kidding themselves about what it all meant. They couldn’t promise each other anything yet, and if he were honest, Luke knew they would need to meet other people eventually. But that didn’t negate the present- the fact that he had just changed so deeply in his motives because of one confession, a few kisses. Luke desired to fall in love with his friend, and if he wasn’t careful, he just might. What he knew was that Alex existed, and that he was bright and brave and astonishing and all the other things that had made Luke look twice and wonder what their lips would feel like molded together. And Alex wanted to be his friend, his person, in less elegant terminology, his fuckbuddy, and when he’d fixed Luke with that challenging stare of his, all nervous and golden and hopeful, and Luke had been sure he would never feel so full again in his life. 

A couple weeks later, as they lay on the floor of the loft together, hair mussed and lungs out of breath, blotches littering their necks, Luke decided that he would never regret any of it. 

//

Alex lay in his bed that night, staring at the ceiling and watching the light from cars outside move across his room. He had jogged home to find his family all already in bed. They had stopped caring about the time that Alex arrived home around the same time he’d come out to them, and while it was nice to not be tied down, it was just another reminder of the schism in their relationship. A whisper in the back of his mind reminded him that he was probably using Luke a bit, as an escape from all of that, but he pushed it away. He had just had one of the best nights of his life. He was still sort of shaking just thinking about it, his whole body wired with excitement and hints of leftover desire. In all of his wildest dreams, he wouldn’t have expected that Luke would reciprocate his feelings, much less act on them. Alex had another whisper in the back of his mind which clearly said this whole thing was doomed from the start, that it would inevitably crash and burn, but Alex decided to push that away, too. Sunset Curve lived in the present, they lived like it was now or never, according to their song. And no matter what would happen in the future, Alex supposed Luke had helped him accomplish one thing. 

Luke had caused him to feel again. It was as simple as that.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all so much for reading this! If you feel so inclined, please leave a kudos and/or a comment, they really do mean the world to me. I also made a Spotify playlist for this fic which you can find here: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6yCmJmkTE1r6pTTCYmhJen?si=4YnblRJ-QG-IxBX7jJP3ag  
> My tumblr is tiriansjewel if you would like to follow me there.


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